SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA
After a series of movements across the country to tear down monuments of Confederate leaders and other historical figures like Christopher Columbus, San Diegans have taken to the streets to rip down a statue of California missions founder Junípero Serra.
"Serra was a piece of shit," said local resident Jessica Morales, who joined the protesters in bringing down the colonizer's statue. "He and his missionaries conquered, enslaved, and destroyed the cultures of our indigenous ancestors. We figured, why celebrate a monster like that? If we're going to have statues, it might as well be for people and things we like."
But why Tatís?
"Even though he hasn't been here long, Fernando has already made a more positive impact on our community than most other people we could think of," said Padres fan Jeff Kelly. "Besides, if he keeps this pace up, he could be a Hall of Famer by the time he's done playing."
"Serra didn't even have a 150 wRC+ in his rookie season," Kelly went on to say, "Though he was pretty good at stealing."
Many other Padres fans echoed Kelly's sentiments, pointing to Tatís' impressive breakout as one of baseball's brightest young stars.
"It's been a while since San Diego felt this hopeful about baseball," said one fan. "Tatís has given us something to cheer for, and for many of us has been one of the few bright spots in this godawful 2020."
"Besides, if a 400-pound gold statue of yourself doesn't convince you to stay in San Diego for the rest of your career, we don't know what will."
Other candidates for the new statue included San Diego natives Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias and the JabbaWockeeZ dance crew. Nick Cannon was not considered.