Twenty-seven years ago, he was a key member of the famous neighborhood Sandlot baseball team. Decades later, no one has seen or heard from him since. Until now. A Screwball Times exclusive: Where Are They Now? The Mystery of Bertram Grover Weeks.
When we had last heard of Bertram, he seemed to be headed for a bright future. He was the lanky second baseman for a team featuring future star Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez, and showed both his smarts and athletic prowess through the team's efforts to retrieve the Babe Ruth ball from "The Beast" that lived next to the field. Everything was looking up.
But then, he disappeared.
"Bertram got really into the 60's, and no one ever saw him again," remembers his old teammate and local goofus Scotty Smalls, one of the last boys on the team to fall out of contact with Bertram.
For years, that was the last anyone had heard of Bertram. The trail was cold. Until now.
Through a long and arduous search, we were finally able to track Bertram down ourselves (he was on Craigslist) to get the answers we were looking for. Here's what we found.
When we were finally able to make contact with Bertram, he looked as one might expect. He was disheveled, with dirty hair down to his shoulders and his eyes hidden behind dark-tinted sunglasses. He requested we meet in a McDonalds, and that I came alone.
He appeared skittish and flighty at first, and as if he hadn't slept in some time. "Who are you?" Bertram asked me. "You with the Feds?"
After I had assuaged his concerns and convinced him I was alone, Bertram opened up.
"Look man, I'm into some bad shit," Bertram said, leaning in. "I know stuff, secret stuff, that the government doesn't want me to know about."
When pressed further, Bertram said, "Look man, this goes all the way to the top."
"The Postal Service, fluoride, the Denver airport, all of it under the control of the Illuminati. Big Dentistry- they're in on it too. And I have proof." Bertram slid a dirty, stained binder across the table.
"It's all in here," he said, flipping open the cover to reveal a mess of mysterious symbols and hieroglyphics. The binder appeared to be hastily hand-bound, with yarn and various strings hanging loosely along its edges.
When asked how he came upon this information, Bertram said that it had been given to him by aliens, after he was abducted during the summer of 1969.
"I was in my backyard taking out the trash, when out of nowhere everything was covered in a brilliant white light. The next thing I remember was sitting up in a glass room, chained to a cold metal desk. They were just watching me, the aliens," Bertram went on.
"And then one of them, a small one, spoke out to me in plain English. He told me about the Illuminati, and about the lizard people that have secretly taken over our government. Then I woke up in my bed."
When I tried to press him further about this information, Bertram stiffened up, saying "I've already said too much." He hastily crammed his binder back into his bag. As he ran off, he called out "Listen to Disraeli Gears! The B-Side! It'll all make sense!"
Unfortunately, that was where our interview ended. And I hate to break it to you all, but Bertram just turned out super weird. I guess every group just has "that one guy," even the kids from The Sandlot.
Join us next time, as our investigative reporters get behind the scenes of the meteoric rise and fall of backyard hero Pete Wheeler, and what led to us stumbling upon him working at a carnival last July.